Don't waste your life

Don't waste your fucking life

I can't believe I’m doing this but suddenly, just moments ago, I was overcome with a feeling of wanting to do something, something that sounded crazy, just anything. But since its 2 am in the morning, I can't. So I’m here. To "organize" my thoughts. Doesn't it happen that at times you get a feeling, about anything(you might get what I’m trying to say at the end of the sentence), you get a feeling and you wanna hold on to it. You wanna feel it completely and in trying to hang on, it just keeps slipping away every passing second. I'm getting that right now, so I wanna put it into words before it passes. And it’s absolutely imperative that it doesn't. My life depends on it. I don't mean life as in life and death, but life, about the way I live it, which is, if you think about it, almost the same thing.

You've had ambitions right? I'm sure you have. Everyone has. I used the past tense. The word to note is HAD. I'm not saying you don't have them anymore, but are they the same as the ones you had before? The things you thought about in your head, not saying anything about it to anyone. In case you're not getting my drift, I’m not talking about ambitions of being a doctor, or a "successful person" and shit. I mean ambitions about how you would live your life. Like when you were in class 8, in the evenings you saw older college guys hanging out, at the market or wherever. There you saw one of those guys, who looked really cool and appealing, and decided somewhere in your head, "That’s what I’m gonna be like when I grow up". I'm sure you can relate to that right, in one way or another. So I ask you (presuming you're an older college guy), are you that guy now? I'm not judging you by the answer, but it will probably be no. And that’s not a bad thing at all, actually a good one in many ways, you must've figured that out (those ways) for yourself in your head by now, in a sudden attack of self validation.
But why is it so? Why are you not that guy? Why is it that something you wanted to be so much just become another addition in the long list if things you always wanted to be but couldn't. Why?
Maybe you didn't really want it that much...
Maybe this, what you are now, is much better in its own way....
Maybe you were never destined to be like that....
Maybe this is your destiny....
BULLSHIT!!!

Don't give yourself that crap. For God's sake man, first of all be honest with your own fucking self. Know what you are now, accept what you are, whatever it may be, no matter how big a loser you may be, no matter if you may not like what you've become, you have to accept it. There's no use being ignorant about it. This is your life, you can't live it until you know yourself.

I have become someone I never dreamed possible I’ll be. But actually, had an idea it was coming. And it has been, I’ve seen it coming. And embraced it with open arms without knowing it. I have become my own worst nightmare.

Humans always loathe what and who they are, it’s built inside of us. I've never liked myself that much either. But when I see myself now, and compare it to the me I was maybe even a couple of years ago, it makes me sick. I can't believe I am caught in this labyrinth of crap that I myself have surrounded me with. I need to find a way out. I'm not trying much though.

Every time we think about what we are now and don't like it, the next reaction is to find a suitable explanation about how we got there. And so starts the blame game. You blame your family, for not bringing you up in a way that would help you in getting where you want to be, You blame your company, the people you have spent years with, for not supporting you enough and only giving you jibes and ridicule, you blame the world, for being so cruel and cold and no one being there to understand how you really feel. But do you ever, even for a single second, blame your own sad self? Which is the only sole real reason to how you got here. Its you, it has always been you. No one can manipulate who you are. You are what you choose to be. If this is you, you made you.

When you die, what will you think about yourself? Will you feel you had a wholesome life? Would you feel satisfied? Would you think you could have done better? Would you want to have lived it any other way that you did? Would you have any regrets? How would you remember this phase of your life? With fondness? Grief? Whatever your answer, for me it'll be regret. Regret for things not done, words not said, feelings not expressed, life not lived, but spent. What is all that shit about not wanting to be someone else??? And being yourself??? Isn't your ambition, what you wanna be, also a part of your own self? So why don't you wanna change, I’ve long thought "being" was much more important than "doing". Now I know it’s the other way round. I may be proved wrong yet again, by myself probably, but for now, I know that what you do is what makes you who you are. Your actions, things you do, the way you do them is what defines you. So why do you hold yourself back? Why don't you let yourself go? What do you tell yourself to console your sorry little soul who's so aching to do something, to come out in all its glory, and show the world, your "friends", and most importantly, your own self, just what you really are?

Live man!! Live your life, do anything that your soul asks you, don't think, your brain is the biggest obstacle in the path if your soul's nirvana. "What’s the difference?" you ask “How do I know if it’s really my soul calling or my brain?".
You will know.
You will always know.
I don't wanna have any regrets when I’m on my death bed. Though they may be inevitable, the things I already regret are with me forever, but I don't want anymore. I want no regrets. No regrets about my life spent unlived. The world is too good a dish to pass off.