Don't waste your life

Don't waste your fucking life

I can't believe I’m doing this but suddenly, just moments ago, I was overcome with a feeling of wanting to do something, something that sounded crazy, just anything. But since its 2 am in the morning, I can't. So I’m here. To "organize" my thoughts. Doesn't it happen that at times you get a feeling, about anything(you might get what I’m trying to say at the end of the sentence), you get a feeling and you wanna hold on to it. You wanna feel it completely and in trying to hang on, it just keeps slipping away every passing second. I'm getting that right now, so I wanna put it into words before it passes. And it’s absolutely imperative that it doesn't. My life depends on it. I don't mean life as in life and death, but life, about the way I live it, which is, if you think about it, almost the same thing.

You've had ambitions right? I'm sure you have. Everyone has. I used the past tense. The word to note is HAD. I'm not saying you don't have them anymore, but are they the same as the ones you had before? The things you thought about in your head, not saying anything about it to anyone. In case you're not getting my drift, I’m not talking about ambitions of being a doctor, or a "successful person" and shit. I mean ambitions about how you would live your life. Like when you were in class 8, in the evenings you saw older college guys hanging out, at the market or wherever. There you saw one of those guys, who looked really cool and appealing, and decided somewhere in your head, "That’s what I’m gonna be like when I grow up". I'm sure you can relate to that right, in one way or another. So I ask you (presuming you're an older college guy), are you that guy now? I'm not judging you by the answer, but it will probably be no. And that’s not a bad thing at all, actually a good one in many ways, you must've figured that out (those ways) for yourself in your head by now, in a sudden attack of self validation.
But why is it so? Why are you not that guy? Why is it that something you wanted to be so much just become another addition in the long list if things you always wanted to be but couldn't. Why?
Maybe you didn't really want it that much...
Maybe this, what you are now, is much better in its own way....
Maybe you were never destined to be like that....
Maybe this is your destiny....
BULLSHIT!!!

Don't give yourself that crap. For God's sake man, first of all be honest with your own fucking self. Know what you are now, accept what you are, whatever it may be, no matter how big a loser you may be, no matter if you may not like what you've become, you have to accept it. There's no use being ignorant about it. This is your life, you can't live it until you know yourself.

I have become someone I never dreamed possible I’ll be. But actually, had an idea it was coming. And it has been, I’ve seen it coming. And embraced it with open arms without knowing it. I have become my own worst nightmare.

Humans always loathe what and who they are, it’s built inside of us. I've never liked myself that much either. But when I see myself now, and compare it to the me I was maybe even a couple of years ago, it makes me sick. I can't believe I am caught in this labyrinth of crap that I myself have surrounded me with. I need to find a way out. I'm not trying much though.

Every time we think about what we are now and don't like it, the next reaction is to find a suitable explanation about how we got there. And so starts the blame game. You blame your family, for not bringing you up in a way that would help you in getting where you want to be, You blame your company, the people you have spent years with, for not supporting you enough and only giving you jibes and ridicule, you blame the world, for being so cruel and cold and no one being there to understand how you really feel. But do you ever, even for a single second, blame your own sad self? Which is the only sole real reason to how you got here. Its you, it has always been you. No one can manipulate who you are. You are what you choose to be. If this is you, you made you.

When you die, what will you think about yourself? Will you feel you had a wholesome life? Would you feel satisfied? Would you think you could have done better? Would you want to have lived it any other way that you did? Would you have any regrets? How would you remember this phase of your life? With fondness? Grief? Whatever your answer, for me it'll be regret. Regret for things not done, words not said, feelings not expressed, life not lived, but spent. What is all that shit about not wanting to be someone else??? And being yourself??? Isn't your ambition, what you wanna be, also a part of your own self? So why don't you wanna change, I’ve long thought "being" was much more important than "doing". Now I know it’s the other way round. I may be proved wrong yet again, by myself probably, but for now, I know that what you do is what makes you who you are. Your actions, things you do, the way you do them is what defines you. So why do you hold yourself back? Why don't you let yourself go? What do you tell yourself to console your sorry little soul who's so aching to do something, to come out in all its glory, and show the world, your "friends", and most importantly, your own self, just what you really are?

Live man!! Live your life, do anything that your soul asks you, don't think, your brain is the biggest obstacle in the path if your soul's nirvana. "What’s the difference?" you ask “How do I know if it’s really my soul calling or my brain?".
You will know.
You will always know.
I don't wanna have any regrets when I’m on my death bed. Though they may be inevitable, the things I already regret are with me forever, but I don't want anymore. I want no regrets. No regrets about my life spent unlived. The world is too good a dish to pass off.

My First Blog

So, here we go then. My first blog. As a prelude to what i presume(though most of my presumptions end up biting the dust) is to be a long tryst with blogging, i wanna say that i begin this, not to join another herd of humanity from all over the planet, though i would indeed accomplish the same in doing so, but for a reason unknown to me.
Ever since i was introduced to the concept of blogging, (by accident), it has held a certain charm for me. The way people can divulge their innermost thoughts for the world to see, its got to be liberating feeling. Just like in school after you've talked to a friend and told her/him about a crush you have. Also i'm here to organise my own thoughts, just like the introduction to this websites claims for blogging to do.

I've been living for a long time with a truly, and comically tragic and messed up mind. Its not that i'm one of those people(commonly referred to as "losers") who sit by themselves in a corner. What they do then is think, thought which is unabashed by comments of their "friends", jeering of people who think they are superior in some way or the other. Thats right, i speak so much in their favour coz i've been there myself, and i speak for myself and by experience when i say they are much better off than you, you being all those who are mistakenly, coincidentally, sometimes by choice and sometimes, and i say this with extreme sarcasm, by plain chance, in the company of people who you have suddenly come to realise, you don't even like, let alone care about. Its a strange feeling isn't it, not knowing what the the hell you've been doing all this time.

Not just in such a case, just like, for example, you've been playing a game, in the beginning trying to learn the mechanisms and hooplas of it all. Without having the slightest inkling of an idea whats happening, you go to the next phase of the game. You've learnt how to play it, and are now becoming increasingly proficient at it. Little accomplishments, little goals you achieve, which you never knew had been set for you by yourself, give you such unparalleled happiness that you're in high spirits the entire day and more. Then one day you realise you've become so dexterous with the game and take it for granted. Thats when the shit really hits the fan. The next day(or the next month, or year, depending on your own whatever) you suddenly realise you don't like the game anymore. But you still must play it coz thats the only thing you're good at anymore. You can't live without it even though it drives you so mind bogglingly crazy that you have to shut your mind completely from it, but you can't. You're too attached. And thats when you stop caring. You dont care you're getting increasingly incompetent at the game but still play it coz thats the only thing you know how to do. You liberate yourself from the very thing you used to enjoy so much, thinking about the meaningless pleasure and satisfaction it gave you. You do miss it, but not so much. Coz you're free now. Free of a petty thing you used to want to dedicate your entire life to. You keep playing it then. Without even knowing you're doing it, but still doing it. You're not addicted to it, but still just can't do without it. Thats when you've lost the game. Coz you're not really playing anymore.

You're just a spectator, a spectator of your own life. And you're watching it pass you by. There are so many things you can do about it. But you don't. Why? Coz you dont feel like it. You don't care about that shit anymore, you don't care about your life anymore. You don't care anymore. That's the worst place to be. Knowing there's so much you can do to help yourself, but still not doing squat, not because something is holding you back, but because you just don't want to.


The game will always go on. You may want to play it, or not.


Well. I hope i didn't get too depressing there. Sorry i couldn't be more subtle and fancy in my choice of words back there. Excuse my spellings and stuff. i'll be careful about crossing my i's and dotting my t's in the future, if that makes sense.
i'm not wholly unfunny though, as you might realise in later posts(if they do come). Thats it for the first one. C ya.