That brings me to now. I don't know what it is that makes me this way, maybe its the thought of the coming winter, maybe its my complete aloofness from the world, maybe its sadness, maybe my cynicalness(is that a word?), maybe just Radiohead, maybe thoughts of the future, maybe my complete inability to be able to do anything about the way I am, no matter how much I may try(which isn't much), or maybe its just me. Whatever the reason, I'm here to rant again.
I just took a walk, a long one, longer than any I've taken in a long time(which is another reason attributing to my alarmingly increasing girth). A walk with the new, state-of-the-art mp3 player with Radiohead playing in my ears at full volume. Its amazing how while looking at the world with your kind of music playing in your head, everything can seem like a music video. I can see the whole world with new perspectives that change with every note in the song. Lives of every person I see, people going home on bicycles with their lunch boxes hanging on their arms, talking as they ride back for dinner after a hard days work, teenage boys hanging around, walking and talking without a care in the world, rich people rushing to wherever they need to go in speeding cars, dogs looking for just about anything to eat in discarded paper and polythene bags, street lights watching every single one of them as they go about as they do every single night. Women in the market, queueing up to choose mehndi designs for their hands, excited little children begging their moms to go back home, guys standing in corners, some waiting for a hot girl to pass their way so they can ogle at her, and yet others worrying about the shit in their lives, discussing their loves, disappointments, plans for the future, and then me, trying to think about how pointless everything is, which actually is the truth, no matter how much I try to live by the opposite.
Whenever I do go on such walks unlike the presumption in most people's minds, I don't really think much. Its much more of feeling than thinking. We live our lives everyday, some days we do it more mechanically than others, some days we are more aware of what we really want than others, some days we don't really feel like smiling at acquaintances which is something we'd do without thinking on our more mechanical days. But it happens very seldom that we actually are present, in the moment, feeling it, living every second of it. But that's not what I'm here to talk about right now.
Lately I've found myself thinking about the future, with a little bit more certainty than before, which is really not saying much. Earlier when I thought about the future, all I had to think of was a vision, a picture of a road at night. I still have that picture, but now its just more defined than it used to be. Now I'm really not sure what I'm doing here, but I'm sure there was a point to this. The future really is as uncertain to me as it always was. A reason for that being that I don't really care that much about it. Its not about the whole "living in the present" thing but more about me knowing that no matter what i do, its very hard for me to be satisfied with what I have. I may try to goad myself into thinking that I am, but I'm actually not.
After the walk I went to the terrace, mainly because I was way too restless to confine myself again. Sat there for a while, looked up wanting to see stars, and saw only smoke. Not a single star, not a single knot at the end of the rope to hold on to, to escape from the enormous dome of the atmosphere i suddenly felt myself trapped in. Don't know why but celestial bodies always give me a kind of comfort. Knowing that I really am standing(or only attracted towards the center of another rock in space by a weak force) temporarily does give me perspective, a good one at that. One thing that calms me down and also invigorates me at the same time is this realization and also of death and meaninglessness of everything there is. Every profession, every religion, every country, every government, every old person, every child , the life of every single creature of every single species that ever existed succumbing to the same unforgiving, unrelenting force. Everyone can interpret this in the way they see fit. Some think it better to worship and pray for their days to be numerous and their lives happy and fruitful, some think it better to kill and pillage and own as much as they can. I judge both as people trying to find meaning in their lives, people wanting to find something that they haven't living in the world they know.
I, for one, do not need or want meaning. It is enough for me to have this one chance to do what I want to do in this one world I know. Knowing full well that i may and will never be satisfied, but still living in the pursuit of life.
